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19 November 2010

Vola vola vola vola ...

Don’t touch my junk, you airport-security goon — my package belongs to no one but me, and do you really think I’m a Nigerian nut job preparing for my 72-virgin orgy by blowing my johnson to kingdom come ?

No, seriamente:

95 percent of these inspections, searches, shoe removals, and pat-downs are ridiculously unnecessary. The only reason we continue to do this is that people are too cowed to even question the absurd taboo against profiling — when the profile of the airline attacker is narrow, concrete, uniquely definable, and universally known.

* * *

Two weeks ago, TSA agents were ordered to start groping women's breasts and all passengers' genitalia -- children, nuns and rape victims, everyone except government officials and members of Congress. (Which is weird because Dennis Kucinich would like it.) "Please have your genitalia out and ready to be fondled when you approach the security checkpoint."

Last year, a Muslim attempting to murder Prince Mohammed bin Nayef of Saudi Arabia blew himself up with a bomb stuck up his anus. Fortunately, this didn't happen near an airport, or Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano would now be requiring full body cavity searches. (If you're looking for a good investment opportunity, might I suggest rubber gloves?)

You can't stop a terrorist attack by searching for the explosives any more than you can stop crime by taking away everyone's guns. You have to search for the terrorists. Fortunately, that's the one advantage we have - in a lucky stroke, all terrorists are swarthy, foreign-born, Muslim males. (Think: "Guys Madonna would date.") This would give us a major leg up -- if only the country weren't insane.

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